


First Snow

by iKONislife



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: F/M, best friend - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-07-18 13:33:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16119509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iKONislife/pseuds/iKONislife
Summary: For the first time in years, you finally gather enough courage to stand up for yourself against the unrequited love you have for your best friend... But is it the right decision?





	1. Chapter 1

Should you feign a smile because your most precious friend in the world seemed to have finally found the person that have his heart sings with love... Or should you break down in tear because that’s all Jiwon will ever be to you, a friend. There’s quite nothing like the unfathomable pain of watching the person you love smiles so endearingly at someone that could makes even angels shy away from being so envious, his hand so snug and protective around her waist as she rests comfortably in his lap, someone that’s not you.  
Are you petty for feeling sad, for wishing that near brink glass of wine in her dainty hand would splatter all over her pretty dress? The need to relieve this aching of the heart of yours only grows stronger with each pass of his hand over her bare thigh and not even your 2nd shot of bitter poison could distract your worn out mind away from just how perfect they look. So before you could do anything stupid, anything to hurt him, your dejected steps lead you away from the happiness of a new love being born.  
It had been 3 Christmas since you let your fragile heart admit to itself, you’re deeply, unmistakably infatuated with the man you call best friend and with each passing of Jesus’s birthday, your heart fragmented a bit more. The holiday just brings out the joy in everything, even the plain old trees that had shed all its little feathers in autumn were now blinking brightly, proudly along the cold icy road. Soon enough family will be gathering from every corners of Earth, lovers will be filling the street with their suffocating display of affection.  
But there’s something else the holiday’s joy and goodness also bring out that people tends to forget, loneliness. The only person that seems to get your frail, withering heart is the King of Rock himself crooning out Blue Christmas, well the few rare times it actually get play on the radio because nobody wants to dampen the laughter and cheers, right? 3 years now since the tiny micro crack in your heart had began and it seems as though this one will finally be the one that shatter it completely. Yet, perhaps there’s a charm in an obliterated heart after all, maybe now you’ll be able to pick up your pieces and begin to heal.  
As you stare down at the blinking lights of the city below, you wonder if one day your heart will find peace in the the wonderment of Christmas and happiness of the holiday season. How long more until you find that admiration for Christmas as you stare in awe, eyes twinkle while marveling at the decorations and cheap sales that had made its way into being a staple of the season. Or maybe you’ll never again look at Christmas the same way you had at 12 years old trekking through a festive fair, heart elated with the vibrant lights taking in that wonderful cinnamon scent, while Jiwon salivated at the many food stalls. After all, Christmas ain’t what it once cracked up to be, all people seems to care about is how cheap will they be able to get their TV for and how many pictures they’ll be able to post on social media. You might just turn out okay after all.  
Another swig of the burning amber liquid, your chest heaves a bitter laugh at the thought of what a bitter person you had turned out to be. Love really makes people do crazy things and frankly, you’re quite scare to learn of the extend Jiwon would willing to go for his love. He’s too caring and sweet for the tough exterior that makes men envious, loyal to a fault, and just perfect. Behind all the hatred, you’re glad he found someone as beautiful as he is and only hope she’s just as magnificent inside as she is outward.  
“Always hiding from the party. How did I know you’d be on the roof.”  
His voice like butter drowning your heart in the worst kind of high as it startles you from the pointless analyzing of the situation. Sauntering over with a drink still clasp tight in his hand, Jiwon beams at you the smile that wavers too many hearts to count, yours included. A hot blush creeping out to play, tingling your skin with its delightfully unbearable warmth as you turn away, hiding behind the curtain of your hair.  
“Hmm. It got stuffy in there.” You give an excuse that as soon as it had left your cracked, chapped lips, you already knew it was one Jiwon won’t buy but you had to try.  
“Really? Cause i’m over here thinking it got something to do with Eunji sitting on my lap but I guess not.” You didn’t need to look to know just exactly what kind of look he has got on his face. It’s that stupid sarcastic eyebrows raise with just a tint of disbelieve in those beautiful brown eyes, his lips would be smirking a bit, no doubt at the thought of Eunji’s perfect ass resting against his rough jeans. Leaning against the railing now, Jiwon has that soft and strangely shy smile on his lips whenever he’s awestruck by something as his eyes study the world below. “It’s so beautiful, I love Christmas season.”  
“I don’t.”  
“Since when? Liar.” The blasé in your tone steals just a bit of that brilliant grin away from him and sprinkle a touch of sadness to his strange squeaky remark of incredulity.  
“Since awhile. If you’ve been paying attention, you’d know I’m not lying.”  
He knew that, he knew because he has been paying attention. You love the holiday season just as much as he does yet recently whenever he had brought up any sort of plan, even just a mention of anything Christmas related, there would be an unreasonable amount of sass in your remark accompanying by the most dejected gaze.  
“Why?”  
“What do you mean why? What, I can’t not like the holiday now?” Still opting to stare at that car who had for the 5th times horribly attempting to parallel park, your stomach drops from his curiosity because you’re not even sure yourself how long this charade of “being okay” could go on for.  
“You love the holiday. We go to do holiday shit every year, literally since we were old enough to walk.”  
“I used to, now I don’t. Nothing with growing to hate the crowd and the expensive mark up and just this fake happiness floating in the air. Just because it’s December, doesn’t mean suddenly your bank account isn’t starving or your job is any easier. I’m just being realistic here.” Glass near empty, you mutter a soft cuss at yourself for not filling it up, for not expecting him to run after you as he always does. Did you really anticipate otherwise from the man that always read between the lines even when it’s completely, absolutely unnecessary.  
“So all this time, you’re just lying to me.”  
“It’s not that. Why are you always so...” Is there even a word capable of describing this perfect specimen of a human being?  
“So what? Y/n, tell me.” If there’s one thing you really love about Jiwon, it’s the fact that he never raises his voice, ever. Even when he’s angry, there’s just an edge of roughness to his voice and the way his jaws clench up so enticingly, just like now... You could barely keep your gaze away from him.  
“So you! Always questioning me, always in my business. I can’t have one second where you’re not following me. I just wanted one second of fresh air and look where we are now, you’re in my face about lying.” The exasperation in your voice sends shockwaves, a shiver Jiwon is certain not from the frigid wind messing up your perfect locks rummaging, running wild across his well covered body. “Have you ever think of how trap you make me feel?” Too late, it’s all too late, you had just set the bridge of your friendship ablaze and no force in this world can ever put it out. There’s nothing to do but sit back and watch the ashes falling to the ground as Jiwon’s eyes glossing over with unimaginable sorrow.  
“Where the hell did all this come from? Did you just like bottled everything up this whole time? Just talk to me, Y/n... You’re just stress right?” The doubtfulness in his tone mingle with the complete betrayal in his eyes into something of a chaotic mix sending Jiwon into a full panic.  
“I’m perfectly fine.” Downing the rest of the liquid fire, a vexing grunt passes your lips hoping he’d soon drop everything and leave you be.  
“Wow, this, I can’t believe you’d be like this.”  
“Like what, exactly.”  
“I didn’t think you were the kind of girl that gets jealous, I thought you were better than that.”  
A scoff tumbles out of your mouth even before your brain could even process what had just happened... Did he know?  
“What is there to get jealous about? What’s so great about you that I got so jealous, I blew up?!” Hand thrown into the air with all the frustration tearing your shivering body apart, you storm off only to be cut off by his strong body blocking your path with all the will he has. He needs answer and he’ll be damn if you walk away like this. “You insufferable bastard, get out of my way.”  
“Keep pushing, Y/n, it’s adorable how weak you are against me.”  
That’s right, you’re weak against him, have been and always will be. It’s not even about the near foot tall he got on you or how inadequate you feel against the heavy packed muscles that left you wet and weak willed summer after summer. You’re weak to his words, completely soft for his smile, and down right compliant to his heart. It had been this way for so long, despite the many boyfriends you had over the year and not to say you didn’t love them because you’re not heartless. Yet there had always been a competition, what would Jiwon do in this situation and he had always had an unfair advantages over all men in your life. It’s time to stop for him, for whoever unlucky enough to love you in the future, and for yourself.  
“Fuck you, Jiwon. You think you’re so amazing, everything revolve around you, is that it? Just because you got me wrap around your godawful fingers for so long, you think you can just berate and tease me however you like? that you’re king of the world?” Fingers carding through your hair so rough you could feel a bald spot forming but who cares, you finally did it, something you’ve been too selfish, too cowardice to do.  
“NO, no. Y/n, no. I didn’t mean it like that, Listen...” Jiwon had set his resolve to get out of you whatever it was that had you acting like a stranger, distancing yourself as if he’s just another one of your boy toy getting toss aside like trash once you’re done toying with them. He wanted to talk but clearly from the tears welling at the corner of your redden eyes, the way your cheeks flush from fury, and that strangely cute pacing habit of yours whenever you get too work up from something, there’s way more than just simple jealousy.  
“NO! you listen, I’m done, I’m tired of you just dragging me around when all you want is to hang out with those girls. You’re a twenty something years old man, you don’t need me as an excuse, use me to lie to your parents like when we were 15 to go out anymore. If you still consider me as a friend, stop, just stop.” Maybe you’re exhausted from the comedown of the souring liquid inside your stomach, maybe it’s from the speech, whatever it is, you just want it to be over with, for Jiwon to finally give you peace of mind. “And you know what, I didn’t think I was one of those girls either but when it comes to you, nothing make sense.”  
His arms limp beside his body, Jiwon mind was running through all the possibilities, befuddles with everything that had just gotten thrown into his face like a cold glass of water in dead winter. He watches as you walk away, kitten like sob emanating from your shivering cold body and feels his heart fractures.  
“Where are you going?”  
“Nowhere... Anywhere, just not here.”  
His hands on your body like acid, searing on your flesh like the most caustic substance of this world. Even with your illogical outburst, Jiwon couldn’t help but be drawn to you, to the way your hair softly frame your cheeks and those innocent eyes staring back at him even if the soul behind them had dimmed out to something so vacant and cold.  
“You’re drunk, at least let me take you home...” Thick parka shed, Jiwon still finds it in his heart to care for your wellness, never mind that the angel of winter had finally flutters her wings, sprinkling the first magical white fluff of the season all over the vibrant town, sending chill biting against his exposed skin.  
“Just leave me alone... Go back to Eunji.” No strength left to fight his kindness, you stand there braving the strong scent of alcohol and intoxicating perfume distinct to only Jiwon, letting it drown your senses in the exact reason why you’re impeccable make up was being ruined by tears.  
“What’s your hurry? huh? Why are you trying so hard to run away from me.”  
“I need to leave before I say something stupid, something to humiliate myself, something that will hurt you... But most of all, before you say something that will hurt me.” His hands retreat from your shoulders as if the bare contact with your skin would send him into anaphylactic shock. With one last silent goodbye, you walk away feeling the world shattering at your feet but that matter not, you finally follow your heart and your heart lighter than ever.


	2. Chapter 2

As persistent as your drunk self had been, Jiwon did somehow managed to send you home in the cab he had called for. The thick parka that was once hiding his perfect body away from the prying eyes of the crowd wrapped tightly around your body. Even after all the hurtful words had been hurled, he still cares despite your protest and the somber note replacing the usual cheeriness in his voice… Oh the sorrow in his eyes, if you hadn’t been one degree from bathing in your own vomit, your heart would’ve been torn into pieces, obliterated. For all that matter, you didn’t know if that makes everything thousands times better or worse… One thing for damn sure, by tomorrow’s morn, alcohol won’t be the only thing you’ll regret.   
It was a goddamn miracle honestly that you had made it up the steps of your house without taking a dive, more so, making it into your room without waking your parents before throwing yourself upon your cold bed, slumber was very much taking over. As the sun slaps you in the face with its laser beams and baking your skin with as much intensity it could muster up amidst dead winter, the weight of the night before begins to take its toll on your aching body. Headache already made itself at home while your throat feeling much like it had been fucked by the world, painful and dry with just a hint of vomit. And if this very moment, you were to grace your bathroom mirror with the sight of yourself, it would surely shatter to save itself from the pain of your reflection – dishevel and reeking of… of everything.

As your eyes flutter open to take in the consequences of your own reckless abandoned devises, a comforting warmth shines above the murkiness of a hangover soon to be so much worse as the ghost of your mess of a night slowly materializing. The particularities couldn’t be pin point, yet this warmth was more than that of the meek sun shining outside, more than the four walls shielding you away from the barely frigid wind of a winter afternoon, and world different from the air blasting from your heater. It isn’t a feeling but rather, an experience made of all the things wonderful that even in the haziness of your hangover, your heart knows exactly the source. The thick parka still so protectively wrapping you in its embrace, shielding what part of your body it could against the harshness of the windows lacking its clothes. It’s gentle, soft against your sickly pale skin yet it has you feeling like you could take on the world… Just as soon as this drumming in your brain would go away. As you snuggle in close, sinking deeper into the faux fur of the giant hoodie, you could feel his fingers ghosting over your skin, strong arms constricting your body in the most beautiful way even if his strength was one second away from really crushing your bones. The lingering freshness of pine, the muskiness of his scent, and just the most infinitesimal tinge of whiskey combined to send you right over the edge, leaving you unashamedly digging your nose further into the fabric, basking in all its glory before your new and improve self of the night before could judge you for falling right back into his trap. But right now your feeble body and weak heart couldn’t care less that he isn’t here, and that all you’re cuddling with was the mere figment of Jiwon’s past.   
You’re content.  
For so long, Jiwon had always meant comfort and familiarity. You couldn’t recall ever being heartbroken without Kim Jiwon right by your side, silent and stoic but in his own way, you knew his heart was suffering along. You never needed to say much, the moment that sorrowful call of his name echoed out from the speaker of his phone, Jiwon would drop everything just to offer his shoulder for you to cry on. He didn’t say much, soft soothing hums and gentle raspy “it’s okay” were all that ever was, yet your heart swelled in contentment as his hug grew warmer. You never felt the need to hold back around him and even when that meant all the tear and snot a person could produce, Jiwon was always there. The once innocent ice cream of high school days would eventually be traded in for alcohol and a blackout night of fun, but the sentiment more or less remained the same, he remained the same. 

By the next morning you wouldn’t dare say that your heart had ached any less or that the hangover was any better than the exhaustion of crying your eyes out all night long. However, one thing was for sure, you’d wake up to the messy mop of curly hair pricking your nose and soft snore singing right beside your ear. His long limbs tangled with yours as he pulled you closer into his chest, reminding you that the comfort of companionship was only ever a phone call away. You were never alone.   
Kim Jiwon was the only constant in your ever-changing life, the glue that hold together the last bit of the past and everything that used to be as you both grew out of this small niche of the world. But now, he too changes with the time and you knew he couldn’t be your glue forever, yet nothing could ever hope to prepare you for that day. So how do you cope with heartbreak when your partner, your rock, the only person that could lift you out from the hand of agony was the one dealing out the pain. 

That was the fault with being content. 

Somewhere in between the late nights giggling about absolutely nothing to admitting to your love for him, you’ve grown content. You had told yourself to be happy, happy that you were blessed with a beautiful friendship even if it will never turn into the “more” you so desperately crave for. After all, matter of the heart wasn’t one that could be control by anyone. So even when this unrequited love was added to your complicated equation of life, one that no mathematician dare dream to solve, you were content with just being on the side line watching as his love life blossomed. But little did you know, every time you pretended to be fine, every time you smile his way despite the gut-wrenching pain in your heart as you watched him flirt with someone else, you lost a bit of yourself. You’d never blame him for giving you a few minutes of his day despite promising hours, happy really that even in the chaos of his day, he thought of you. But you’ve lied to yourself for so long, knowing that bottling up this feeling and pretending to be dandy will one day kill you. You couldn’t care because letting go of Jiwon had always seemed so much worse than any damage your secret love for him could cause. You’ve lost count of just how many times you wanted to point at the elephant in the room, finally addressing it with all the dignity and respect it deserves. Yet every time you made your resolve, Jiwon crumbled it all with that cute pout and bunny grin, luring you back to the contentment of hanging onto a thread that was barely there. You wouldn’t say that he was leading you on or stringing you along because this love of yours, it was the only secret you’ve ever kept from Kim Jiwon. It was entirely your fault and, in the end, you’ll be the one fixing it.   
Perhaps now that your friendship was already passed the point of repairable, you’ll finally have enough courage to cut the string in which your heart had been hanging on for so long. Bed cold and lonely, you lay there wondering if Jiwon was thinking of you at all. As the endless stream of the photos of the party begins to blur into one giant shapeless mass, your eyes catch his, so handsome and smile bright as ever. The parka wrapped so tightly around your body missing from his, her arms snugged around his waist was probably all he needed to keep warm. Loneliness suddenly thrust itself into your heart as you struggle to pull away the thick layer of fabric constricting your body, ridding yourself of him. Tears once more stream down your cheeks as your finger closes out Instagram to a desolated homepage… Zero notification. Phone toss aside, you close your eyes to drown out the new world you’d have to get used to, a world where Kim Jiwon is nothing more but a friendly face you used to know. 

In all the years since your parents bought this quaint old house, never before had you spend so much time on the balcony of your bedroom as you had the past few nights. You weren’t sure, still aren’t as to why there was a calling, almost a siren song for your body to bask itself in the cold wind of dead winter night after night. Tonight is no different as you curl up on the floor, knees press tight to your chest as the joyous twinkle of the Christmas light your dad had put up illuminate the tears falling from your eyes. A week since the catastrophic finale of your friendship, and a week since you last heard from Jiwon. You’re uncertain, there’s a storm within your chest left by the silent of the guy who had never once listen to your empty threat of wishing to never to see him again. Should you be impressed or disappointed? He left you alone, just as you wish to wallow in guilt and anger, to drown yourself in sadness and delirium of restless nights. You mourned a love that never was and then mourned too, a beautiful friendship tarnished and trampled on because your heart couldn’t keep it in its goddamn pants.   
Memories of past Christmases rushing back like a nightmare haunting your waking hours. You could still remember so clearly that chubby little boy with the brightest smile on his lips dragging you down the busy pathway of the festival. You had just moved to the neighborhood, sadden still from bidding goodbye to your old friends, timid and fearful of the neighborhood that was much bigger than the small quaint one you used to live in. The moment your eyes met with the starlit ones beaming back so brightly at you, you knew you’d be okay. He pulled you from stalls to stalls, sweets and savory, plates after plates he shove into your hands promising that food will always be the answer to everything.   
This is the first Christmas you won’t be spending snuggling close to his side, sharing hot chocolate and exchanging gifts while sharing the cover of his bed. The loneliness surging inside your heart is almost unfathomable even if this very second, you’re experience every bitter hand it got to deal. You hope, need to know that wherever Jiwon might be, he’s happy.   
“How long have you been out here?”   
How long have you been around here really, how long has it been that you were now dreaming up your own version of Jiwon to sooth the loneliness of a cold winter night. You thought of answering it, but in the end deciding it was best to leave it be. Figment of imagination or not, to fall right back into that sultry voice and caring heart, as magnificent as that sound, you knew it’d only lead you down a destructive path of pain.

Jiwon watches on as you sit there in silent ignoring the hankering of your heart to answer the ghost of your mind, skin pale from the cold wind and cheeks rosy, barely a shred of clothes to shield you away from the harsh claws of the snow queen reigning over the brightly lit and festive Earth. Your eyes stare longingly into the distant, following the path of the little snow fairies dancing about in the inky night sky, glowing so brilliantly in the twinkling lights of the holiday, oblivious of the man that had been silently making his way to you. Hair in a messy bun and features looking as if they hadn’t seen a wink of sleep for ages yet you were still so beautiful in his eyes. Knees pressing so tightly against your chest, your body so small, huddling on the floor of the balcony as if awaiting for a new day to come and sprinkles hope back into that dismal scowl on your lips. How did this happened, how could he let this happen?  
Finger gripping at the hem of his jacket, his leather jacket that you had gifted him so many birthdays ago, Jiwon feels the tears slowly warming his cheeks at the thought that this Christmas won’t be the last one you’d spend apart from him. Your eyes so dark, where did the spark that light his days and bring joy to his lips go? Your smile, he hadn’t seen your smile, your genuine smile in so long and damn his coward self for not bringing it up sooner. As he stands there staring at his best friend that wants nothing to do with him, Jiwon thought of the past and feels his heart bleeds. Yet before he could come to term with reality, your voice rings out so endearingly even if it lacks all the colors of the adorable one he loves so much.   
“Do you know what people tends to forget about the holiday season?” Your voice so calm and solemn, Jiwon startles from the suddenness of your attention even if your eyes still glue to the snow blanketing the world with pristine and cleanliness.   
“Not sure.” What was even the right answer? He answers simply, no longer sure how to act around you.   
“Loneliness.” After what felt like an eternity, you speak the word Jiwon fears with all his heart because it was the one thing he never wish for you to be. Because for you to truly be lonely, he no longer means anything to you.   
“What?” He understood, of course, but Jiwon don’t dare agree, deadly afraid that the next sentence to come out of your mouth was for him to go away once more, to leave you alone in pain when he wants nothing more than to be your rock.   
“Loneliness. You never really truly know how lonely you are until you stands in the light of someone else’s happiness. So meek and pathetic against the joy of having someone to spend this godawful holiday with. Even the fucking décor is blatantly mocking all those who have no one to share tis’ the season with.” Your words choke out, sadness lodges itself in your throat. What you had thought was just delirium materializing itself suddenly felt very real when the fresh scent of pine hit your nose. Sure it could’ve been the millions of Christmas tree being driven down the street to its temporary home, or perhaps your mom had brought out the Fresh Winter scented candle she loved so much because it reminded her of that one year spent at Jiwon’s family cabin. But you were better than that, your nose knows better. The second your olfactory had picked up that intoxicating scent, you were drunk, so lost in the good memories of the past that you had nearly forgotten where you were… Who you were with… Your heart loses all of its courage but everyone got to face their fear some days, today was yours.   
“But you’re not lonely… Right? I mean, you have me. I’ll always be here for you.” Jiwon tries his best to sound happy, pour his heart and soul into each word, enunciating it carefully as if he really does believe what he was saying is true. Not that he won’t be here for you, there isn’t a thing on this Earth that could ever change the way he feels for you or stop him from going through hell for you… That part is true no matter what happened. As you once again fallen back into the deafening silent of a night that was soon to be history repeating itself, Jiwon mutter under his breath, repeating the words that he so desperately wants you to believe in, needs for you to believe in. “You have me, Y/n. You’ll always have me.”   
“Do I?”  
With two simple word, you stole the breath that had hitched in his lungs and all the worries he suppressed in his heart. A bitter sigh falling from his lips, incredulous and in dismay.   
“What are you talking about? I’m here, I’m always here for you. How could you think otherwise?” For the first time since you blew up on him, Jiwon was truly angry. He might not have been the greatest friend, hell, he knows he let you down plenty, but for you to think he is ever anything else but here to support you? That was as preposterous as preposterous can get. His body crashing right beside yours but Jiwon might as well had been a ghost, for your eyes could see nothing but the tear clouding them from the world.   
“I don’t have you. I never did, and never will.”  
“Y/n! Look at me.” For the first time in his life, Kim Jiwon had raised his voice at you, though rather than the anger coursing through his blood, it was out of desperation. “Please, just, why?”   
“Why? Why? You’re not listening to me Jiwon. It’s like the words are going through your ears but your brain did nothing to comprehend it.” Your eyes red, flaring with frustration.  
“Then make me. I don’t know what else to do anymore. How long are you going to keep sulking in your room and, and yell at me to go away. I don’t want to be away, I want to be here with you.” Jiwon isn’t one to be irrational, he isn’t one to force his feeling on anyone either but this moment all he could think of was to hug you. So, he did. Even as you struggle in his arms, he holds on with the hope that if you won’t listen to him, you can feel his heart’s desire.   
“I’ve never once said you’re not here for me. I know you’re always here for me, and I’m forever grateful for that. But face it, I will never have Kim Jiwon.” Too tired to fight, you stilled in his arms, reveling in the comforting warmth and familiar scent one last time, even if you’re not brave enough to let yourself hold him… At least you’re no longer cuddling a ghost.   
“And why not? Why don’t you have me?” At the chance of a rare peaceful moment, he got his hand on your chin, tilting it just enough to gaze into the soul that was slowly coming back to your (your eye color) orbs, reigniting the galaxy that had been so dim. “In my eyes, you’ve always had me, the same way I have you. So explain to me why, what on Earth makes you think that I’m not yours.”

“Because the love you have for me… the love that I’ve been hanging on for so long, hoping that one day you’ll look at me, it isn’t the same one coursing through my heart.” A painful smile cracks on your lips, the tears you had been holding back silently raining down. You stare at him, for a long time, really just unashamedly tracing over each and every single feature of his, just as handsome as ever despite the sorrow so evident. “I love you, Jiwon. In the way that would fuck up our whole relationship, I really love you.”

Has it not been for the tightening grip around your waist giving your heart just the smallest boost of hope, you’d have dig a hole deep into the core of the planet and throw yourself into it, never to be seen again. His eyes widen, from what you were certain is shock, soft lips parting as if to speak up but only to close again. He stays silent, and even though you know barely a few seconds had past, your heart feels the pain of hundred years. Unable to bear any longer that inquisitive gaze and confuse bite of the lips, your eyes avert, head dipping low as a new bout of tear begins to fall. 

You did it, you cut the string and now to find a way to brace the fall. As you stay in his arms, listening to the warm breath fanning against your forehead, the last crack in your heart finally connected the spiderwebs of rifts he had given you for the past three years. It hurt, but alas, it’s done. Before the comforting hold and familiar ghosting of his hand could begin to burn, you struggle out of his grasp. Not a moment later than your small hand gripping at his bicep, pushing with all your might to get away, Jiwon finally speaks up.  
“Don’t you dare run away again.” He growls out the sentence that set your heart ablaze, shock you to your core and before you could question him, he did something that was so out of the ordinary, beyond any expectation you could’ve imagine of, there was nothing for you to do but freeze.   
He kisses you.  
Plump lips pressing against your own chapped ones, capturing your lower in the sweetest kiss even if he was barely moving, even if your tears salty and painful. He pulls away just as quick, searching for any emotion, anything at all that would make him regret his action but found none. Doe eyes staring back, your hand gripping at the fabric so taut over the smooth muscle of his abs, awaiting more. Yet against your better judgement and hope, his arms retreat from your body, leaving the cold wind to settle in where the wounds of heartbreak had been healing from his touches. Your gaze once more despondent as body moves further away from your grasp.   
“You’re cold.” Times like these you wish Jiwon was a man of many words. The vagueness in his action only amplify by the thoughts he so sparingly put into words. You watch closely, bewilderment only grows with each second passing as Jiwon shed his jacket, only to wrap it around your body and pull you close. Thumb petting your cheeks so gently, he stares back at you but this time rather than the hurt of being abandon, there was as glint of hope, a happiness rekindling behind the crescents of his eyes. Once more his lips return to yours, this time with more vigor and determination as they devour yours, teeth knocking but he couldn’t care less. The fire burning in his chest reminds Jiwon of the feeling of first love, of the best love, and of all the happy memories you shared with him. Hand gripping at your hip, he pulls at you, needing for you to be so close, a grin breaks on his lips when you so easily comply, wrapping your arms around his body. There was a neediness in the way your lips so willingly mold against his that fuel Jiwon’s ego to an unprecedented height, fingers digging into the nape of your neck. Never mind breathing when you could provide him with a high better than anything of this world ever had, chest heavy and heart drumming fast. You could barely keep still with the strength his heart puts into the kiss, hand securing around your cheek, Jiwon lets his tongue rummage the length of your lips, teasing yet don’t dare breach without permission. Heart bloom and lips parting, you let him in. Jiwon wastes no time in exploring, tongue chasing yours and hand traveling as if your skin is the map that’ll lead him to your love. Your mind drunk on him, and soul full of love, your hand wanders under the shield of his shirt, feeling the magnificent heat and softness of his skin under your fingers. Your action only edge on the intensity of his kiss, stealing your every breath and muddling your brain.   
“J-Jiwon…” You moan out but no sooner than his name leaving your lips, it was devoured in a fury of passion, his craving for you not satisfied. “Jiwon…” You call again, this time palm gently pushing at his firm chest, finally getting the attention of the love-drunk man. “I need air, are you trying to murder me?”  
“Okay, okay. Fine. Your fault for fondling me under my shirt.” His lips might’ve left yours but that didn’t mean the kiss has to stop. Hands caging your jaws gently, his lips won’t relent their quest as kisses rain down upon each of your features.   
“I was not fondling. My hands are cold, I was just warming them up.” You quip, annoyance feigning on features but there was no denying the smile tugging at your lips.   
“Right… Since you’re cute, I’ll believe you.”   
“Stop teasing me, asshole.” You know you lost, and Jiwon for damn sure knows it too judging from that smirk on his lips. Face digging into his chest, your nose takes in the strong scent of cologne, finding solace in between his arms. “I haven’t kick your ass yet for the other night. Don’t push your luck.”   
“Me? What about you? I don’t think I’ve ever been so scare of you before. Here I was thinking that my plan to make you jealous would finally force your hand, get you to confess. It’d be like one of those romantic movies, you know. Not in a million years did I think you’d jump in all guns blazing like that.” Soft kiss flutters its wings on the top of your head, gentle circles caress serenity back into your soul despite the memory of that night souring in your chest. “I really thought I lost you.”  
His voice wavers a bit and guilt drown you in its wake. The hurt you’ve done still so clear, etched deep in his heart. You knew just as much as you were in pain, so was he. It was just so much easier to blame him, to make Jiwon to be the bad guy while you waste away in your bed. Yet in the face of the man you love and hurt, pain isn’t even the worst part.   
“So did I… I-I was almost sure by the next morning you’d storm over and give me an earful. At least three pages worth of angry all caps text but…” A sniffle replaced the words you didn’t want to say.

“I did come over to check on you… But very early in the morning because I didn’t know if, how to face you.” His words hesitant, as if fearing still your rejection. “When I saw you snuggling up to my jacket, I almost died. It was like I forgot we ever fought, you know? My first instinct was the take a picture of you because you had looked so adorable, then to hop in right next to you. You were so peaceful and happy. But the longer I stood there the more pain I felt because I realized, that moment, watching you sleep like a fucking creep, it might very damn well be the last peaceful moment I got with you.” He smiled through his pain, hissing through his gritted teeth at the hurt resurfacing simply from recalling the moment even if you were still holding onto him so tightly. 

“I’m so sorry. I fucked up, so bad. I don’t think I can ever make it right.”

“It’s not your fault. I should’ve just come to you first, instead of coming up with such an idiotic plan. I got mad at you for being jealous, but I was the one that wanted to see you that way. I just didn’t think, I underestimated how angry my stupid ass plan made you.” 

“I guess that’s what happened when you bottled up 3 years worth of feeling…” awkwardly chuckling, you shift away from Jiwon, feeling the past branding every inch of your skin that he had touched. Pulling yourself up, you come to rest your elbows on the railing, letting the cold metal sooth away the fire, eyes once more gazing at the world that stops for no one. “Don’t blame yourself, everything that happened was because I decided I wanted nothing more to do with you. I didn’t want to say anything to hurt you, so I walked away, but I guess in the end, me saying nothing hurt the most.”  
“But that’s not true anymore, right?” Fear returning, creeping up into his heart as your words reminiscent of that night. “Y/n, please. Say that it’s not true anymore. It-I, you didn’t hurt me. I was just being stupid.” Scrambling at lightning speed to his feet, Jiwon rushes to your side, and although not wanting to push his boundary with a hug, his hand rest with ease on your shoulder.   
“You’re not stupid. Stop saying that…”  
“Then stop saying that you’ll leave me. I barely got you to understand that I’m yours, and now you’re just talking nonsense again.” He speaks with all of his heart, for every second that you had hurt him, there was hours more that you made him feel what it was like to be loved, and if it takes all his life for you to realize that, then that’s what he will do. “I love you. It might not have been three years, but there’s no doubt that I love you.”   
“It’s actually more than three years.”   
“Huh?”  
“I’ve love you for way more than three years… Christmas three years ago was when I stopped denying my feeling for you.” You tiny confession light up his heart, a smile glowing on those soft lips as joy slowly coloring his pale skin.  
“Baby…” He coos so sweetly against your ear, arm snaking around your waist, tightening your body against his. A small kiss burns against your neck, and though you couldn’t see, you know for sure that crooked grin of his was present on those plump lips. “The first time we spent Christmas together, I vowed to myself that you will never, ever spend another Christmas alone. You can’t imagine how happy I am right this second. I thought I could never see that smile of yours again, or be able to feel your warmth on a cold winter night.”

“Since when did you get so cheesy?” Your heart bloomed with all the force of spring even if winter was biting at your cheeks, and the heat Jiwon was sharing with you like the fire of summer. You lean back against his firm chest, head tilting just to steal a glance at the vibrant smile that had always reminded you so much of a walk through the fiery leaves of a cool autumn afternoon. 

“Since always!” He smiles back at you, elated that once again you feel so serene in his arms, a soft kiss on your cheek. 

As the both of you watch over the city preparing itself for another wonderful holiday season, the tiniest ember of Christmas hope reignited itself in your heart. Perhaps with time and Jiwon, you can finally begin to enjoy the season as you once did running from stall to stall, hand in hand with the boy who had always loved you.


End file.
